by Delta Hunter
Where there is ambivalence there is resistance. I fully believe in the meaning of this phrase, which is why my therapy clients hear it all too often!
Let’s take a closer look at what I mean by ambivalence by using these scenarios that many of us can relate to: You have agreed to fly home to spend Thanksgiving with your parents, but you can’t get yourself to purchase the tickets, knowing that the longer you wait, the more expensive they become. You are sick of your job, and want to change careers. Instead of taking a few hours on the weekend or evenings to contact head hunters, explore job listings, or research career ideas; you do nothing, which only makes you feel more stuck. You tell yourself and everyone you know that you want to meet someone. You want to fall in love, and be in a relationship, yet you rarely go out, and do not use any dating services or apps. Instead, you tell yourself and your friends that if it is meant to be, it will just happen. These are all examples of being ambivalent.
Now let’s look at examples of resistance. We resist buying the plane tickets to visit our parents, because we don’t really want to go. We procrastinate on finding a new job, or explore other career options because we don’t know what we want to do, or fear we aren’t capable of doing something else. We don’t actively date or pursue intimate relationships because deep down we might be frightened of being vulnerable. We are afriad of opening up, or even losing someone we might grow to love. So instead of trying, we do nothing; we resist doing what we say we should do, and just feel more anxious, guilty, stuck or lonely.
Destructive thought patterns can prevent us from living with love and joy.
There is another way that ambivalence operates in our lives, and that’s what I call “the grand escape”. In this case, we create big plans and outlandish goals that we will never achieve. In fact, we will never even take the first step. Still we waste a lot of time fantasizing, and describing our elaborate plans to our friends. Unmask the elaborate plans that go nowhere, and you will find the usual villains – fear, self doubt, confusion and guilt…
In therapy, I work with my clients to zero in on ambivalence to find out how they truly feel or what they believe. I often find that their negative thoughts and fears, are working in the background, and silently informing them of the opposite of what they want.
My advice is simple: if there is something in your life that is causing suffering, and that you have wanted to change for a long time – find a therapist who will help you discover what you are resisting and why. The discovery process may at times feel uncomfortable or difficult, but the discomfort is nothing compared to living in a constant cycle of ambivalence and resistance. Think of the process as similar to preparing and packing for a trip. Unless you have essential information about when and where you are going, you will be packing and unpacking until you’ve missed your flight!
Post by
Delta Hunter - NYS Licensed Psychotherapist, Meditation and Martial Arts Instructor
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