How to Survive Ourselves in a Pandemic

by Delta Hunter

Photo Credit: Wendelin Jacober Flikr, Creative Commons

As the Coronavirus has forced us indoors to protect ourselves from infection and to prevent the spread of contagion, many of us have become physically isolated from families and close communities. For some, the isolation and loneliness day in and day out has become an overwhelming task of emotional survival. The emotional battle of surviving Covid-19 is largely a silent one being waged by individual people alone in their homes, and it is barely addressed in the news or media. Yet, just as we’ve needed concrete advice on how to physically protect ourselves and others from Covid-19, we need real applicable direction on how to keep ourselves from drowning from the emotional consequences of the virus.

By now we all should know why we practice social distancing, wear masks and wash our hands, yet little has been said about how we can protect ourselves emotionally when there is no one else around to inform us on how we are doing, to reflect back to us our worthiness, attractiveness and whether or not we are lovable. Left with just ourselves and no tools, many people lose the battle; we are simply unprepared for spending hours and hours alone. No amount of Netflix, drinking alone, yoga, zoom socials can erase the fact that we are doing these things alone at home, day in and day out. Without preparation and guidance for this new aloneness, the negative narratives are trotted out in full force. “I’m alone because there’s something wrong with me.” I’m alone because I’m unlovable.” “Everyone is more successful than me.” “No one would want to be with me.” The hours turn into a tidal wave of self-loathing. “Why do I hate myself so much?” We get sad. We feel empty and tortured by the endless repetitive hours. We become overwhelmed with judgment.  According to a study co-authored by Julianne Holt-Lunstad, Ph.D., a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Brigham Young University, isolation significantly increases health risks and can be compared to smoking 15 cigarettes a day or an alcohol intake disorder. She’s also found that loneliness and social isolation are twice as harmful to physical and mental health as obesity (Perspectives on Psychological Science, Vol. 10, No. 2, 2015).

We can deal with loneliness and inner judgment and anxiety much in the same way that we go about protecting our physical bodies from a virus. The first thing we have to do is to identify our emotional and mental virus. If it’s a form of self-loathing, we have to begin with that insight and follow the path. How does my self-loathing affect me? It makes me feel like hiding, it makes me feel unlovable, it makes me restless and unable to focus, it makes me feel stupid, it makes me feel too fat, too thin, too much or too little. If this were the Coronavirus, you would realize that you are feeling sick, and you would start doing things that will make you stronger and more able to fight the virus. Each moment that you are sick is a moment that you are trying to be well again. 

Our approach to a mental or emotional virus such as self-loathing should be no different. Once you’ve found and identified your emotional and mental virus, you have to ask yourself what it is you would rather feel or be experiencing. Do you want to feel bad about yourself, or do you want to be at peace with yourself just as you are? Once you have your answer, ask yourself what you need to do at that moment to help yourself feel the feeling. Very often, the thing you need to do is going to be a form of forgiveness and acceptance. This is our strongest tool for getting well and the one that will help us stop the constant judgment that leads to inner emptiness and anxiety, but we have to practice. Just like drinking 20 cups of lemon honey tea when we are physically sick, we have to return to ourselves over and over again in this practice and forgive ourselves for being the way we are. 

How does this work when you’re in the throes of negative self-talk? It works the same way the cup of lemon honey tea does when you’re sick; it helps a bit more each time you try. 

Photo Credit: Delta Hunter

But, you argue, “The evidence of me being a failure is in my checking account or in the rolls of fat I see on my body. How can I forgive myself and see that as okay?” The practice responds with: The extra weight on my body and my low bank balance are temporary things and can change. What’s more important to me right now is that I feel okay about myself. “But how can I feel okay about losing my job? Isn’t that proof that I’m a loser and never going to achieve what my friends have?” The practice responds with: Jobs come and go, what’s important to me is feeling okay. I’m more likely to have better ideas if I’m feeling confident and well. I can forgive myself for losing my job. What can I do right now to feel better? 

We can help ourselves feel better when we are down by replacing negative, harmful self-talk with a practice that is positive, nurturing, and forgiving. We can also help others by volunteering our time to someone else experiencing isolation. Volunteerism is widely reported as being beneficial to both the volunteer as well as the recipient. John Wilson, Ph.D., and Professor of Sociology at Duke University has conducted extensive research on volunteerism and writes that it can foster a belief in the individual that he or she can make a difference and thus enhances personal efficacy. Volunteering gives the person a sense of control in their lives and environments and can, therefore, alleviate depression (The Effects of Volunteering on the Volunteer, Duke University 1999).

Here are three places where a person can do virtual volunteer work:
Become an Online Mentor for Aspiring College Students
Become a Digital Advocate at the Red Cross
Provide Text Support to a Person In a Crisis

Negative self-talk is like a dog chasing its tail. You hate yourself, you berate yourself, you swear to do better, and then you repeat. A better practice is to treat the illness with a cure that is healing and nurturing. When you’re physically sick, you don’t treat yourself badly, so why would you treat your mind and emotional body any differently? Do something right now that will make you feel better. Take good care of your mind and body, and reach out to lend a hand to someone else.

What I Learned About Ocean Waves and Anxiety

by Delta Hunter

Ocean waves make great metaphors for our emotional reactions to things that happen in life. They both follow a pattern and have similar risks. Both an ocean wave and a strong emotion can tower over and threaten to topple us with their powerful energy, before crashing down and throwing us askew. Afterward, they release us to some sort of calm; a beginning place to restore… Until, of course, the next big wave or emotion arrives and we are swept up again.

If you are in the ocean and close to shore, you can decide when you’ve had enough, and get out of the water. But if you get distracted, or become careless, the ocean could pull you farther out, until suddenly you realize you can’t touch bottom and are in over your head. If we are listening to ourselves and can learn to notice when we are becoming anxious or upset, we can manage that wave of emotion before we are toppled by it.

Sometimes we can be standing close to shore and a wave comes along that is much larger and more powerful than us and threatens to drag us under and out to sea. If this happens, the worst thing to do is to panic because that will constrict your airways, and drown your smart thinking. The best thing to do when confronted with a threatening wave is to dive right into the middle of it. That may sound wrong, as you are imagining the best thing would be to run but trying to outrun a wave turns out to be the worst thing to do. Envision yourself turning your back to the wave as you frantically run for safety towards the shore. Your pace is slowed down to an animated crawl by the weight and pull of the swell. Panicking you look back to see how far you’ve gotten only to be slammed on the head by the most forceful part of the wave. Who knows how long you will be down!

Dive into the middle of a wave, where there is little resistance or force, and you will come out the other side barking like a happy seal. Can we dive into the middle of our panic or overwhelming distress or sadness when everything inside us is screaming, run away? 

We can’t run away from anxiety or depression any more than we can run from a wave. But we can try to be still and let the feeling in by letting it sink into our body. We can do this because we know it will pass. Emotions are energy in motion. They are waves that begin in our minds and build energy in our bodies, and if we let them, they will flow through and out of us.

So the answer is yes, we can dive into the middle of panic and distress. We can find a place to be alone and to cry our eyes out. We can let anxiety and panic course through us because we know it will pass. We can let loneliness settle in for a day or two because we know that it is a passing feeling and that the core of ourselves is actually always connected to others. We begin to see that these painful states are constantly moving and that they won’t destroy us if we don’t try to resist them. The more we can observe them as they move through us, the less powerful and monstrous they seem, until eventually, we simply take note of their presence and stay the course.

The earth is 71% water. Our bodies are 60% water; always moving and transporting energy.

Posted by Delta Hunter
Licensed Psychotherapist, martial arts, and meditation instructor. 

A Daily Mindful Solution

By Allison Chawla

I discovered that making overly specific goals with uncompromising regulations has proven to be nothing but a set up for failure over the years. Many times I have attempted to meet the more popular achievements like New Year’s resolutions, thinking such a trending benchmark would help to hold me accountable. I tried upping my exercise game each week, giving up alcohol on weeknights, spending less and saving more, and designating more time for family. All which left me anxiety ridden, and feeling like a failure by February.

A recent and mere attempt at generating healthy meals five times a week (without visiting my beloved ‘seamless web’), lead me down a road of Chinese-food, binging shame. So why draw such hard lines? Why set myself up for failure when I know these rigid promises keep proving to be unattainable? With rates as low as 8% in those actually committing to resolutions and life-changing goals, and an endless flow of information containing “the newest quick fix craze” why keep searching for something outside, when I knew the answers were within?

I practice mindfulness with my clients after all. As a matter of fact, one of the first things I do when someone tells me that they are experiencing anxiety is teach them how to begin a simple meditation practice. I discuss the value of awareness, and the importance of trusting ones instincts, and while I am trained in clinical approaches, I always incorporate the importance of self-healing the soul. Nothing is perfect, and set backs will occur. But, I am a firm believer in the relevance of the mind-body-soul approach with all areas of healing. It is just a matter of being open, and finding the right guidance if help is needed to begin bringing these practices into your life.

Below I have listed some Mindful values that I share with my clients, and try to practice myself. Everything is based on information gathered on existing techniques to lower levels of anxiety and depression, and encourage healthier living. In the mental health world, some of these approaches are known as a technique called “DBT.” To many of you out there, it may simply resonate as a familiar way of maintaining inner peace….

· Live intentionally, and with awareness in the present moment: Be present in your own life, and accept mistakes as part of your course.

· Do not judge or reject your moments: notice consequences, but let go of evaluating, avoiding, suppressing or blocking the present moment.

· Do not hold on to each moment: Attend the experience of each new moment, instead of clinging to the past or yearning for the future.

· Be genuine and skillful in what you need from others: Get others to take your opinions seriously, say ‘no’ to unwanted invitations and requests.

· Build relationships and end destructive ones: Be confident in ending hopeless relationships. Strengthen current and new ones.

· Walk the middle path: Balance acceptance, and change in life.

· Forgive yourself: Decrease unwanted emotions, decrease emotional vulnerability; decrease emotional suffering.

· Live with gratitude in your heart.

Like any change, this too, takes practice. It requires patience, forgiveness, and self care. Do not try to recreate yourself over night, and know that you will experience occasional setbacks. Forgive yourself for the little mistakes, and choose to learn from them instead of beating yourself up. We are all human. There is no such thing as ‘perfect.’ With that being said, I know there is always room to improve, and I do believe that with embracing practices like these, and focusing on a Mindful perspective of life, it is possible to have the promise of more fulfilling and happier days to come.

References

http://linehaninstitute.org/inges.php

http://www.lidbt.com/

http://www.licognitivewellness.com/about-dbt/

Ambivalence or "I Feel Stuck"

by Delta Hunter

Where there is ambivalence there is resistance. I fully believe in the meaning of this phrase, which is why my therapy clients hear it all too often!

Let’s take a closer look at what I mean by ambivalence by using these scenarios that many of us can relate to: You have agreed to fly home to spend Thanksgiving with your parents, but you can’t get yourself to purchase the tickets, knowing that the longer you wait, the more expensive they become. You are sick of your job, and want to change careers. Instead of taking a few hours on the weekend or evenings to contact head hunters, explore job listings, or research career ideas; you do nothing, which only makes you feel more stuck. You tell yourself and everyone you know that you want to meet someone. You want to fall in love, and be in a relationship, yet you rarely go out, and do not use any dating services or apps. Instead, you tell yourself and your friends that if it is meant to be, it will just happen.  These are all examples of being ambivalent.

Now let’s look at examples of resistance.  We resist buying the plane tickets to visit our parents, because we don’t really want to go. We procrastinate on finding a new job, or explore other career options because we don’t know what we want to do, or fear we aren’t capable of doing something else. We don’t actively date or pursue intimate relationships because deep down we might be frightened of being vulnerable. We are afriad of opening up, or even losing someone we might grow to love. So instead of trying, we do nothing; we resist doing what we say we should do, and just feel more anxious, guilty, stuck or lonely.

Destructive thought patterns can prevent us from living with love and joy.

There is another way that ambivalence operates in our lives, and that’s what I call “the grand escape”. In this case, we create big plans and outlandish goals that we will never achieve. In fact, we will never even take the first step. Still we waste a lot of time fantasizing, and describing our elaborate plans to our friends. Unmask the elaborate plans that go nowhere, and you will find the usual villains – fear, self doubt, confusion and guilt…

In therapy, I work with my clients to zero in on ambivalence to find out how they truly feel or what they believe. I often find that their negative thoughts and fears, are working in the background, and silently informing them of the opposite of what they want.

My advice is simple: if there is something in your life that is causing suffering, and that you have wanted to change for a long time – find a therapist who will help you discover what you are resisting and why. The discovery process may at times feel uncomfortable or difficult, but the discomfort is nothing compared to living in a constant cycle of ambivalence and resistance. Think of the process as similar to preparing and packing for a trip.  Unless you have essential information about when and where you are going, you will be packing and unpacking until you’ve missed your flight! 

Post by
Delta Hunter - NYS Licensed Psychotherapist, Meditation and Martial Arts Instructor

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Anxiety or Something That Might Not Happen In the Future

by Delta Hunter

Anxiety is overwhelming

Anxiety is fear. Let’s call it for what it is. When we are anxious, our thoughts are full of fear.  Our bodies react to fear by clenching and tightening up. We feel it in our brows, jaws, shoulders, chest, stomachs, hips and so on. Our minds become fixated on our fearful thoughts, and we can’t seem to break away from them. The more often we experience anxiety, the more our brains become conditioned to the stimulation and a pattern begins to settle in. Eventually, frequent anxiety will develop into panic attacks and our physical symptoms intensify. Our blood pressure and heart rate quicken, breathing becomes difficult and labored, and our hands and feet become cold. We become afraid we might die.

The truth is that we can live without frequent anxiety and panic. Imagine what will fill in that time and space. Pleasure? Love? Peace?

Anxiety is fearing things that might happen sometime in the future.
At least 90% of what we fear is about something we are anticipating might happen.  We fear we will fail our exams, that we will be late for work; that our children won’t get into the best schools, and even that we won’t be liked.

Fear is for things that happen in the present.
A very tiny percent of our fears are about things that are actually happening in the present. These are the rare events that fear was made for: a fire breaks out in your kitchen and you need to make sure your children are safe; you step off the curb of a busy street and a car is speeding towards you; you are alone at night on a quiet street and you see someone lurking behind a tree. These things that are happening in the present moment require decisive action and the fear/startle response is the very thing that will shift you into that kind of thinking.

We can live without anxiety

Instead of spending our time feeling anxious about something that might NOT happen in the future, we could spend it creatively thinking about solutions to our problems. It’s only possible to think creatively, and to find solutions if we are not consumed by anxiety.

Take this simple beginner’s step: write a short list of things that make you anxious, and next to them write when you think they will happen. Once you have finished, ask yourself what is happening in that very moment. You will find you are thinking creatively and have begun to see how worrying about something that might not happen is a way of robbing you of a life that could be filled with love, fun and peace.

Being laughed at                  future
Being old and poor              future
Being lonely                         future

Right now I feel ok! I still feel ok… still feeling ok… feeling good… smiling
Got it?

 

posted by Delta Hunter
NYS Licensed Psychotherapist, Meditation and Martial Arts Instructor

Meditation is Easy to Learn!

Mindfulness meditation is a simple way to de-stress and reconnect with your peaceful self. As children we live in the present moment, not having yet learned to fill our minds with daunting tasks, electronic screens, anxiety and fears. Below is a simple drawing that depicts how our minds can be full of thoughts that have nothing to do with the present moment.

Urban therapy teaches meditation, and how to live fully in the present.

Your body is present, but where is your mind? It is most likely thinking about something that has already happened, or about something that may or may not happen in the future. Most certainly, it has attached an emotion to each thought.

Are you regretful, ashamed, angry or sad about something in your past? Are you worried, anxious, tense or excited about something that you are anticipating about the future?  While your mind is racing around in the past or future, your emotional states are kicking out chemical reactions that your body is responding to in the present! Alternatively, we could bring our thoughts to the present moment, and relieve it from the negative emotional states associated with past or future events. 

Happy, loving and pleasurable feelings do not make us tense and anxious. In fact, those emotional states boost endorphins and increase our serotonin levels. Both of which relax our bodies. 

Brain mapping has enabled neurologists to see how the realms of the brain that have been chronically over reactive, begin to calm down after meditation.  This calming affect allows other areas of the brain, which control cognitive thought, memory, and relaxation to become more active. Meditation balances the brain so that it may function more effectively. A simply and short daily practice, will have a profound affect on your daily life. It will lower your stress levels, aid in your ability to control anxiety, diminish intrusive thoughts, and in turn, will restore a sense of wellbeing and peacefulness to your everyday life. 

Gratitude and Other Tips for Longevity and Happiness

by Allison Chawla

I watched couples celebrate their 50th and 60th Wedding Anniversaries and wondered why the divorce rate for my generation’s couples is approximately 50%. I witnessed Grannies dancing with joy and older gents out for coffee, laughing like teenagers. I wondered what their secrets were??? So, instead of wondering any longer I decided to stop and ask. Here are some of the things these incredible, old, souls told me. Unfortunately I don’t remember all of their names, but I will never forget their advice and uplifting stories.

Be Grateful: For everything. ‘It is so easy to forget that we are lucky to have two hands full of fingers. Two feel with ten toes. Two arms, two legs. Our breath, our voice, and the ability to use them with freedom to choose how we want to use them.’

Learn To Be A Little Deaf: (If I remember correctly this was to be applied in relationships and especially in marriage.) ‘Let things go. Let them go in one ear and out the other. You have to pick your battles, and be sure to only pick the ones that are really worth fighting for.’

Say Sorry: ‘Even if you think you are right, if the other person is very upset and you care about their feelings; just say sorry. Being able to say sorry means you value your relationship with the other person more than you value proving to them that you are right.’
Don’t Worry Yourself: (This one is from my Grandma Capone.) ‘Don’t worry yourself throughout your lifetime. It only makes you worry more. It will never get you anywhere and will always get in your way. It’s just not worth it.’

Never Go To Bed Angry: ‘Resolve your issues with your loved ones and friends. Make up before you go to bed. If you don’t it will eat away at you while you sleep and age you while you rest, and only make you feel even worse in the morning.’

Say “Oh Well” and “Eh, Whatever”: (I love this one and I hope that my girls will have an attitude like this throughout life.) Right before you go to bed at night, say to yourself ‘Oh well’ and let things go. When you wake up in the morning before you approach the day, say to yourself; ‘Eh, Whatever.’ These two phrases will help you to be much easier on yourself and enjoy even your imperfections so much more.

Stretch: ‘Get out of bed every morning and stretch. Even if it is just for a minute. Wake your body, your heart, and your mind up with a grateful stretch.’

Tell People You Love Them: ‘You never know when your last day will be with someone. So, always tell them that you love them.

Say ‘No’: Be true to your feelings. Say ‘no’ whenever you really feel like saying no.

Don’t Waste Your Energy On Jealousy: Jealousy is a wasted emotion. It can ruin your life. You can never be anyone but yourself, so never be jealous of anyone else.

Remember That Your Friends Are Your Chosen Family: We can’t choose our biological family, but we can choose our friends. Just because someone is related to you doesn’t mean you have to be close to them, if their presence is toxic to you.

Always Try Your Hardest And Do Your Best: You will feel better about yourself and have less regrets if you always do your best. Regret stays with you forever and will age you.

Keep Dancing: Even if you can’t dance, dance. Express your joy, love your body and the things it can do while you have it.

Sing: In the shower, on the road, to your children, to yourself and anyone you love. Make happy noise. It keeps you young and free.

Keep Going On Date Nights: Never stop enjoying yourself or your partner. You are never too old to have a good date!

Always Dress up!: Old is the new gold. Don’t let yourself go. You can feel just as beautiful and confident when you’re old. Fashion can keep you feeling beautiful and young.

And this last one. Which I have heard quite a few times and it still makes me chuckle......

Every Night, Before Bed Have a Little Bit of Whiskey: It takes the edge off and its good for your soul.

Follow Allison Chawla on Twitter:www.twitter.com/AllisonChawla
Therapist, Writer, Certified Life and Career Coach, mother of two.

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